why do we care about our exes?
Last night, I did some rather shameful facebook work that I’m sure many others are guilty of. I checked up on my ex-boyfriend, most specifically on his current relationship status. The thing is, I have almost no idea why I did this.
Oh, I’ve heard it before. “You did it because you once cared about him”, or “You did it because you’re a crazy psychotic bitch who uses technology to enable you in your crazy psychotic stalker endeavours”. Blah, blah, blah. I can’t honestly say that either one of these reasons is why I really did it.
I think the closest I can get to the real answer is just that I’m morbidly curious (or maybe because I’m unconsciously guilty for getting into a relationship first? As you can see, I have no clue). It meant absolutely nothing to see that his status, which had been Single, to now be hidden from view, and to see that his new profile picture included a girl who wrote multiple times on his wall and left excessive videos. But if this new development meant nothing to me, then why did I look for it at all?
This voyeurism is completely inexplicable. I know that I don’t have any feelings at all for The Ex, but then why am I still interested in his life? Obviously I’m not checking his profile every single day, but I am doing it at least once a month. Even that amount freaks me out.
I’m assuming that this weird checking-up business will pass with age and maturity, but now I’m curious. Why do we care about our exes, long after we lose all feelings of attraction or infatuation for them? Why do we do it even when we’ve gotten with someone else? The Ex and I aren’t even really friends, and we certainly haven’t stayed in touch outside of the very occasional IM. If our lives have already been disconnected, then why do I still review the old phone records?
I don’t know. I really don’t. It’s just one of those mysteries, I guess.
What I find strange is that the closer I am with someone, the less likely we are to stay friends after we break up. Now how can that be? It is unnatural to turn your back on something that you invested so much in — something that was so meaningful.
But often, it is necessary. We force ourselves to not look back. Over time, feelings fade. We make connections with other people. We move on. We get “over it.” But it is unreasonable to pretend that it never happened. It is unreasonable to expect to never be tempted to look back. No matter how badly it ended, there was something good there once.
Realizing this is liberating, in theory. It frees you from the guilt that Jen is struggling with. It frees you from that jealous feeling when your boyfriend’s ex is in town and he wants to take her to dinner to “catch up.” In theory. Emotions raise the stakes of everything. The only hope is to acknowledge that everyone feels them, and to never deny that reality. I think this is the maturity that we look forward to.
